


i shot the werewolf (but i did not shoot the sheriff b/c he's not in this fic)

by Kaesa



Category: Sherlock (TV), Supernatural, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Deliberate Badfic, F/F, Huddling For Warmth, I am uniquely qualified to write this fic, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Nonnies Made Me Do It, Not Beta Read, Sex Pollen, Switching, bottom!destiel, bottom!sterek, creative spelling, having seen six seasons of SPN and six episodes of Teen Wolf, not well-qualified but certainly uniquely qualified, second person present tense except when it's not, top!destiel, top!sterek, werewolves mate for life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-29
Updated: 2014-08-29
Packaged: 2018-02-15 02:59:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2213217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaesa/pseuds/Kaesa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>WHAT HAPPENS when hot hunter Destiel shoots a werewolf in the ass and it turns out to be NONE OTHER than his ONE AND ONLY TRUE LOVE, STEREK??? Destiel/Sterek.  be kind, it's my first fic in the fandom!!  R+R plz!</p><p>[PS: In case it wasn't obvious, this fic is a parody for Bad Bang.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	i shot the werewolf (but i did not shoot the sheriff b/c he's not in this fic)

~*DESTIEL'S POINT OF VIEW*~

You shoot the werewolf in the ass as it turns tail and flees. _Goddamn werewolves,_ you think, putting your gun away badassily and heading back to your sweet ride. Your brother or cousin or whatever the fuck is there, reading shitty books about hobbits. He is super bored, you can tell, because his hair always gets really floppy when he's bored.

"Did you bloody kill it?" Johnlock asks. (He's inexplicably British. You never asked why.)

"Yeah, definitely. Why not," you reply, in a gruff and manly way.

"You shot it in the arse, didn't you?" he demands knowingly.

"If you are implying," you snarl, "that I have a thing for _hot werewolf ass_ ," you add, "that is NOT TRUE," you finish.

"Yeah okay whatever" Johnlock snickers "I need a fag, I'll be right back."

"I would appreciate it if you didn't use that kind of language," you blink, taken aback.

"It's slang for cigarette!" your cousin insists.

"Right," you say. "I know you're just sneaking off to sext Snarry."

"We're just friends!" the floppy-haired Brit screams and exits the car.

It is a nice car. It's a funereal shade of black and it blends into the night like a really dark chameleon.

You pick up your brother's hobbit books and read them while you wait for him to get back from talking to his boyfriend. It's a hot summer night, and all you can think of that would make it better would be someone to share it with who wasn't your cousin.

~*STEREK'S POINT OF VIEW*~

You had been SO OVERWHELMED by the sheer hotness of the guy with the gun that you had forgotten momentarily that he had a gun and also you were a wolf, and now you are sitting in your sad burned down house where your dead family died bleeding to death from your ass.

You consider calling an ambulance but how embarrassing would it be to say "yes, I am bleeding to death from an ass wound, can you come pick me up?" Also you have werewolf super healing so unless it was a special bullet with wolfbane in it (and you don't think it was; you have had a lot of things in your ass and special bullets feel different from regular ones) you are going to be okay, probably.

BUT BACK TO THE IMPORTANT THINGS which are: that guy was hot, which is terrible of course because he is your deadly nemesis, because of the ass bullet, and also because feelings like love make you weak, and you can't be weak because you are a _goddamn werewolf._ It's a thing.

~*OMNISCIENT POINT OF VIEW*~

So finally when morning came Sterek's ass was all better because he was a werewolf, he and Destiel and Johnlock had an awkward meeting in the local coffee shop.

Here's how it happened: "Somebody That I Use To Know" by Gotye was playing on the radio and Destiel looked across the coffeeshop only to see Sterek. Chilly ice-blue pools met wild firey amber orbs and sparks flew instantly, causing several coffeeshop patrons to scream and duck. (Later they would file personal injury suits against the coffeeshop for being irresponsibly romantic.)

"Hey, do you know that guy? Who is that guy?" Destiel asked his cousin.

His cousin looked at him like he was the biggest idiot in the world. "You giant twat, how do you not recognize him?"

"What?" Destiel asked, cluelessly.

"I said," he said, "you giant twat, how do you not recognize him? Oh whatever, I'm going to let you work it out on your own." He turned and stomped off in disgust, his scarf flying out behind him like a windsock in a mild hurricane.

"Whatever," said Destiel. He glared at the amber-eyed taller man with his dark ambiance, and thought _Why do I hate that guy, and why do I want to do him. And also why is he walking funny._

Meanwhile Sterek was all _Oh fuck it's the sexy hunter guy. How dare he show his face around MY coffee shop being all romantic-like,_ he shouted mentally.

"Who's that dude," Destiel asked the cute rockabilly looking barista girl. Her nametag said HI I'M MY NAME IS SWAN QUEEN.

"Oh are you new?" she asked, smiling? "That dude is Sterek. And he's single!" she added.

"What?" Destiel stared at her. "No, I don't want to fuck him why does everyone assume I'm gay just because I travel around with my brother."

"I thought he was your cousin," said Swan Queen. "Anyway my girlfriend (I have a girlfriend her name is Fuffy by the way) says that Sterek is single and you should totally ask him out! I bet you are his type!"

"What is his type?" Destiel asked.

"Oh, you know, blonde and shorter than him."

"That's like half the dudes in this coffee shop," said Destiel.

"Yes but mostly they aren't single," Swan Queen said.

A gothy looking girl came out and kissed her girlfriend on the cheek. "Hi!" she said, putting her arm chirpily around Swan Queen's shoulder. "Oh my gosh is this the new guy in town that totally needs to get with Sterek???"

"Yes!" said Swan Queen.

In the background Gotye wailed about lost love and Destiel ordered a coffee with two creams, black.

~*DESTIEL'S POINT OF VIEW*~

One coffee with two creams (black) later you rush out to the car where Johnlock is on the phone giggling with his totally-not-his-boyfriend boyfriend. "JOHNLOCK!" you holler, and he says "Bugger!" before ending the call, and you say "The coffeeshop!"

"Yes," said Johnlock. "What about it?"

Your eyes get wide. "I think it's infested by demons."

"Well that was completely obvious Destiel," says Johnlock. "Every coffeeshop we have been to on this multi-season roadtrip has been infested with demons."

"Wow, why don't you just explain the whole plot to me if you are so smart," you say. "But this is serious. Where's the big book of plot-relevant monsters?"

"It's in the trunk of the car, under the flashlight," says Johnlock. "Bloody git," he adds for no particular reason. He is authentically British as _shit._

"Well can you go and get it then?" you demand irritatedly.

"What's the magic word?" Johnlock whines.

"BECAUSE I FUCKING SAID SO," you bellow loudly. Maybe there is a magic word, you think, but not being British, you didn't go to Hogwarts like Johnlock. (Hogwarts is a magical school in Wales, apparently.) Several seasons of resentment once hinged upon this fact, until you got more nebulous things to fight about, like whether he was your brother or your cousin.

The two of you page through the big book of plot-relevant monsters until you reach the Y section (it's alphabetized,) and then you find what you are looking for.

"AHA. YENTAS," you shout declaratively.

"Are those really _demons_ , though?" Johnlock contemplates.

"If they weren't evil would they be in this book here?" you ask.

"Point," says Johnlock.

~*STEREK'S POINT OF VIEW*~

Back in the coffeehouse you have been plied with so much caffeine that you are on the verge of changing into a hyperactive werewolf in the middle of the coffeehouse, and you realize that your only option now is to snark charmingly at that hunter until he likes you back. Alternately you could ask his brother how he feels about you, but you bet his cousin would be totally uncooperative, because he looks British (it's the scarf, plus the fact that he shouts 'bloody sodding wanker' upon entering the room wherever he goes), and is therefore probably a snob.

Anyway it's not like you like him like THAT, really, it's just that for whatever reason he makes you all tingly in the groinal area. But you don't want to have sex with him, definitely not.

"Do you know his number," said Sterek to Swan Queen.

"Yes," she says while giving you his number, and adding, "his English cousin Johnlock told me it when he came in here, so I could give it to you."

"Okay, great," you say, and leave.

You think really long and hard about what you wanna text him and finally you decide it should be lyrics to "Somebody I use to Know," because that's your song, that's the song that was playing when you met for the first time.

Actually there wasn't a song playing when you met for the first time because he was shooting you in the ass, but whatever. He doesn't need to know you're a werewolf. (He definitely doesn't need to know that werewolfs mate for life. Or about the werewolf sex pheremones that make you irresistible. That would just be awkward.)

You fight a long and noble battle against autocorrect but ultimately fail because autocorrect is a much better speller than you, and you are about to give up and go to mope about your family (who are dead) when suddenly! Destiel and his brother charge in with guns a blazing!

It is the happiest moment of your life. But also the most saddest.

The fight is like that scene in Beauty and the Beast when Gaston and the villagers burst in and ransack the castle, only instead of singing furniture it is coffee shop patrons, and instead of some ugly French guy it is DESTIEL WINCESTER, SEX GOD. Only one thing is unchanged: the Beast. You are the Beast. It's you.

Johnlock has a wand in one hand and a gun in the other hand, but Destiel goes right for you.

"WHERE ARE THE YENTAS" he growls lowly, and your werewolf super-reflexes lead you to stab him in the chest with a butter knife.

He falls into a manly swoon in your arms.

"Oh no! Destiel!" you cry, eandeavoring to plug the whole in his chest with your hands. "Speak to me! Don't leave me! I love you!"

"Oh, sodding bollocks," snarls Johnlock. "How dare you stab my cousin? WE'RE BROTHERS!" and he launches himself at you with all his strength, only you turn into a werewolf right then and he screams like a little girl and backs away.

"Oh no!" he says. "You're the werewolf Destiel is destined to fall in love with!"

You change back in a poof of magic. "HELL YES I AM, BITCH," you scream.

"Well then, I should give you some alone time together," he says, and he disapparates.

You should have known that would happen. He probably went back to Hogwarts, in England, where he is from.

You look around the coffee shop. It's totally trashed, the proprietors are nowhere to be found, and Destiel's blood is all over the floor. You plug up his wound with napkins hastily and leave him lying in a booth unconsciounse and sleeping like a baby, and go outside.

It is just as you expected: a freak blizzard has descended upon your town! You are trapped in this coffee shop in the middle of nowhere with nothing but small fancy pastries and an espresso machine to keep you warm… nothing but small fancy pastries and an espresso machine, and _new love._

Yeah, you're gonna be okay.

~*DESTIEL'S POINT OF VIEW*~

BLACK.

BLACK.

BLACK.

EVERYTHING

IS

BLACK.

You are dreaming. You are chasing a werewolf with a hot ass, and he keeps telling you that you shouldn't shoot him, and then you are kissing, and then you are fucking like minks, or possibly like a man and a werewolf, which is what you are.

You should really stop watching those weird pornos, you decide, as you wake up slowly.

There is a man standing over you. His breath smells like cinnamon and coffee and his eyes smoulder like live coals in his eyes, only moreso. He is achingly beautiful and you long to never be separated from him and to never lay eyes upon another living being again because anyone else would be a terrible disappointment.

Then you realize he's that one guy you were about to kill. Goddamnit, why must your life be so COMPLICATED?!?

"You're awake," he says, in wonderment and awe. He touches your face softly in a sensual and not at all creepy way.

"Yeah," you say. Wow, you are so turned on right now, it is insane.

"We have to cuddle to preserve body heat," he says. "Freak blizzards are a big thing that happen a lot here."

"Yes," you say huskily.

"Try not to let the moment overwhelm you," he growls wolfishly.

Then you kiss him, and he kisses you back, and pretty soon he is bending you over the table, and your ass is cuddling his dick to preserve body heat. You cry, because this very special moment is the first time you have lost your ass virginity. You wish you could have taken pictures to commemorate the event.

"That was amazing," you say, as he holds you in his strong manly arms. It is surprising how much stronger and manlier Sterek is than you. "But wait! Aren't you like a teenager or something? Oh god, what have I done?" you demand.

"You know," says Sterek, contemplatively, "it's always been _really unclear_ how old I'm supposed to be."

"Oh, good," you say. You flip him over so that you can fuck him in the asshole too. "I should take your ass virginity," you say, "since you just took mine OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS GIANT BULLET SCAR."

"That's from last night," he says. And then he breaks down into tears. "DESTIEL, I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU!"

"WHAT IS IT!" you tell him.

"I'm... I'm a werewolf," he says. "I'm the werewolf you shot in the ass last night."

"Oh my god," you say. "Does that mean we have to get married?"

"Yes!" says Sterek. "Because werewolves mate for life. And I'm afraid my overwhelming manly werewolf pherenomes may have clodded your judgement."

"Oh no," you say. "Your manly werewolf phonemes could never do that! I'm immune from werewolf phonerems, because I AM AN ANGEL OF THE LORD!!!" And you spread your big feathery wings that he somehow didn't notice when he was bending you over and making you squeal, and he is like "whoa."

So then you fuck him and he howls like a wolf, only more manly, and when you are done and you get dressed and you take a shower in the back of the coffee shop, you come outside of the coffee shop where all of your friends are waiting. You spot Swan Queen and Fuffy holding hands in the background. It is adorable. They are definitely lesbians. You move on quickly. "Johnlock! Where did you go?"

"Bangers and mash, Destiel, I went to Ireland to visit my alma mater, Hogwarts!"

"AND WHY DID YOU HAVE TO DO IT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIGHT?" YOU ROAR.

"Because it was more important for you to find love," said Johnlock.

Awwwwe.

And then Sterek goes down on one knee. "Destiel," he says romantically, "will you marry me?" He places a ring made of a coffee stirrer on one of your fingers.

You start to cry. "Yes, of course I will!"

And everyone stands up and claps. Truly this is the best day of your life.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [i shot the werewolf (but i did not shoot the sheriff b/c he's not in this fic) - Art](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2237673) by Anonymous 




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